One of the mysteries of life is how to undo the damage of childhood.
As a child I was innocent, joyous and full of energy. If I was hurt I hid my pain. Nobody cared if I cried, so I became proud, and refused to cry in front of others.
I always had a smile on my face because if I didn’t smile people may suspect the truth: that I cried myself to sleep every night.
I didn’t speak the words that were in my heart because I didn’t want to hurt others, like they were hurting me. When my mother would lose her temper and start screaming at me for doing something wrong I would shut down.
There are so many wounds in my heart from childhood.
In speaking to my friend, David, he said he could tell that I was deeply wounded. I asked him why I had married a man who wounded me even more than my parents had?
He said that when there are wounds in the heart which are not healed by God we attract people who seek to make those wounds deeper.
I don’t want to do that anymore. How do I stop?
I know God is present in my life. I know the Holy Spirit counsels me. How come then are the wounds still bleeding?
If God is a God of love how come I attract people who seek to defeat the goodness of God inside of me?
In Psalms 34:19 it says, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord shall deliver them out of them all.”
I am seeking deliverance and I seek healing, not of my physical body, but of my soul.
I remember one summer when I was in high school, I studied the Word of God. I memorized Scripture and that summer was amazing.
My mother didn’t bother me. She hadn’t changed, I had.
The next year I was a Junior in high school. That year I had a 4.0, I was outstanding track star of the school and also won an award for my acting.
The success I achieved that next year was amazing.
I was an outcast in my high school. I didn’t have friends in my school but I had several in other schools.
The peace I achieved that summer was greater than the success. It was like I had a shield in front of my heart.
I still believe I have wounds but I know that if I seek God, live a righteous life and meditate on scripture that God’s love will heal and I will become whole again.
I am beginning to realize that the people I am starting to attract are people which have been wounded also but they have received healing from God.
Those people are the ones which bring out the goodness of God within my soul.